Dealing With The Pain Of TTC
Today I have a pain in my heart. I found out (like I have every month for nearly ten years) that I am again not pregnant. This month hurts more than most because of my faith is tested. I got prayed over by a lot of people and even anointed with oil. I shouldn’t expect it to happen the first month I get prayed over but it feels like I failed the ones that were holding their faith with me. After ten years I am just utterly spent.
****I understand that some of you don’t believe what I do. But to me Hope and Faith is all I have. If I didn’t have Hope and Faith I might lose it and fall into a depression.
That being said I learned something interesting. My husband was working on a website the other day. On the site he added an article about how when a woman loses a child or any big loss in her life, their heart grows twice the size. I don’t think that has really ever happened to me but I think it can happen to people like me. Not being able to bear children is a type of loss. You feel like you are less of a woman. You can’t do something that women were made to do. It almost hurts to see other pregnant women all round and glowing. You can picture your life with your child but it feels out of reach. I have been a little more lucky then some in my position and got to adopt my niece at three weeks old so I got to experience most of the joys of having a baby. I do feel cheated that I never got to nurse her or feel her move inside me. Some people complain their whole pregnancy but I would give anything to feel all that there is to be pregnant.
I try so hard to keep my faith and trust God that I will see my son soon. But once in a while I just need a day to completely lose it. A day to cry and hurt. Then the next day I dry my tears, hold my head up high and continue to Hope and Dream of my son.